The Real Scranton

7) A Formal Father’s Day Salute

Given the importance of yesterday, it would be remiss to not recognize the fathers of Scranton.  We truly appreciate your vast array of loungewear and extensive knowledge of Saw 7’s cast bios.  Thank you for remaining unemployed so that you can pick your children and mothers up from school every day.  I can’t think of any individuals who are better suited to raise the future leaders of Scranton…except maybe Cameron Poe from Con Air.  In response to all those people that say Scranton fathers provide a prime example bolstering a case for eugenics, I would like to raise a question: 

Why would Scranton women work so hard for their men if the men weren’t really worth it?  Exactly.  The Real Scranton 1, Eugenics supporters 0.  We salute you, fathers of Scranton.   

6) In Honor of Fathers

Since yesterday was Father’s day, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all Scranton women who take the initiative to keep themselves in shape for their husbands.  Many Scranton mothers have given up on themselves and their bodies, but the above pictures exemplify the type of woman that refuses to let herself go.  They flaunt it ‘cuz they got it, and we, men, certainly appreciate it. So, we would like to thank you mothers who remain dedicated to fitness.  Thank you for getting out of your jazzy  and eating less than 8,000 calories a day just to keep us interested.  Today is dedicated to you.  

5) Seize the Day

Today, between 3:55 and 4:07 PM, I witnessed and was a part of something that could only happen in Scranton.  While sitting in my car about to leave an outdoor ice cream stand, I saw an elderly woman - eating her chocolate ice cream cone at the storefront window - begin to shake…a lot.  Her legs begin to bow; then her whole body began to sink.  I initially thought the ice cream must be damn good, so I jokingly asked the “Freeze Girl” (the name given to the ice cream hostesses of famed Padula’s Frosty Freeze), to call the cops, but the joke quickly turned serious when the woman’s body proceeded to give out.  I caught and held her while the Freeze Girl made the 911 call at 3:56 PM.

At 3:57 PM, a friend took away the woman’s ice cream cone as we sat her up against the storefront wall.

At 3:58 PM, my friend begins to speak with the woman (who already asked for her ice cream back).  Excerpts from the dialogue are below, and it is 100% true as to avoid any legal ramifications.  That and I can’t make this stuff up.

Friend: Are you okay? 

Seizure Lady:   Yeah…I’m fine.  I get about 3 seizures a day.

Friend:  Really, have you gone to the doctor or anything?

Seizure Lady:  Oh yes.  I’ve been on medicine for 2 years, but it doesn’t work, and my doctor doesn’t know. 

Friend:  [look of utter confusion/astonishment]

At 4:00 PM, the ice cream cone is practically all gone as Seizure Lady slurps it down from her propped up position against the wall. An ambulance, sirens blaring, drives down the street.

Seizure Lady:  I hope that wasn’t for me

Me:  Nooo, it was probably for the other woman having a seizure.

Seizure Lady:  [Scrambling to gather her keys, wallet, and other personal articles strewn on the ground from her slow motion collapse]  Oh, well I’m not going with them.  They’re too expensive.  They’ll try to sweet talk me into the the truck. [Seizure Lady continues attempting to flee the scene] 

At 4:01 PM, the ambulance pulls in; the EMT gets out, walks over and sits next to Seizure Lady.  I begin speaking with the Freeze Girls and only catch glimpses of the conversation.

EMT:  Are you sure you didn’t have a seizure?  You’ve got some…some [motioning to his lips]…uhh…stuff on your face there.  

Embarrassed, Seizure Lady wipes the remnant chocolate from her face and boldly declares she is fine.  

At 4:06 PM, Seizure Lady stands up with the aid of an EMT and teeters to her vehicle.  Shocked at what I am witnessing, I look at the other EMT who simply states, “This happens all the time.  We’ve had her before.”

At 4:07 PM, I recorded the below video in amazement.  Merely 12 minutes after having a seizure, and then lying about it in order to avoid an ambulance bill, Seizure Lady started her engines and began her voyage home - presumably to have her 2nd or 3rd seizure of the day.

4) Take your Grandma to School Day

Since most of the teenage educational facilities in Scranton are nothing more than glorified daycare centers, it is no wonder that the schools apparently began to implement “Take your Grandma to School” Day.  By importing grandmas, the teachers get to do what they are best at:  Nothing.  And by nothing, I obviously mean having sex with your students rather than teaching chemistry.  It’s a win, win.  The students (still won’t learn anything) won’t get sexually abused by their teachers and grandmas get to show off their bunions and reiterate the importance of Velcro shoe straps. 

3) Celeb Spotting #1 - Lil Jon

The above picture is of celebrity rapper Lil Jon.  He was believed to be spotted at the Wells Fargo Bank on Wyoming Avenue in Scranton.  The two videos below show Lil Jon at the bank.  The weirdest thing about this whole situation is not that Lil Jon banks with Wells Fargo’s Scranton branch, but the fact that Lil Jon had two Guinness bottle caps folded onto two of his dreadlocks.  

Everyone knows black people don’t drink Guinness - even famous black people.  So then why was Lil Jon spotted with Guinness bottle caps in his hair?  Guess it’s just one of those things that has to be chalked up as “Only in Scranton.”

2) Is it Sexual?

You be the judge:   

It is Scranton we’re talking about, so either he is nailing this lady cause she’s rich as shit ($30,000/year) or he’s still collecting an allowance, living in her basement, and playing Dungeons and Dragons until 4am.

1) The Real Scranton

Due to the constraints of political correctness in today’s syndicated television, NBC’s characters can only shed minimal light on the weirdos that actually exist in Scranton.  Unlike the ”The Office” (which should receive credit for exposing some of the utter oddities considered normal here), no holds barred exist on this site.  You will see ALL, and to avoid any legal retribution, all information on this site will be absolutely true and written at better than a 3rd grade reading level (No thanks to you, Scranton Times). 

Scranton, summed up in one sentence, is a place where drug dealers can’t afford the holiday inn, drug addicts - who can’t afford Meth - ingest bath salts and stab priests in the face, and undefeated High School Girls’ soccer coaches expose themselves during breakfast at Burger King on the Lord’s Day.  This, my friends, is The Real Scranton.  I hope you’re ready.

We will be featuring posts of all kinds including but not limited to the following:

• This Week’s City Pool Predator
• Is it Sexual? 
• Celeb Spottings
• Reader submitted photos, videos, stories, and tips.

Follow the twitter to stay current with The Real Scranton:  @SheriffJRenick